Learning to Accept Life for What It Is

So nearly two years have passed, and I am still in this broken down house. However, now I have TWO kids. The good news is that we are going to leave this house, the bad news is we are probably moving to a smaller apartment so as not to increase the financial burden. I also am looking at the prospect of balancing two households in May. I must fix up the home I left in Illinois so that I can re-rent it, and still have this decrepit home in Michigan that my husband will stay in while he finishes the semester. Come June....maybe we'll live in IL....or maybe we will move into that smaller apartment that I see in my future.

I tried my hand at teaching a class at the college my husband works at. He tried his hand at applying for tenure track positions (as he has for the last four years). Since we both lacked a sense of accomplishment, I started looking into what I, Missy Jett, could do. Becoming an actuary topped my list. Then I started preparing for the first of many tests, and quickly became aware that it was going to take me longer than July to pass the first test. I started trying to think of other plans while I still work towards this sweet actuary job.

I was originally pretty angry when I recently found out that its not my imagination, we are living under the median income. I look around and there are so many people who barely passed high school that appear to be living the High Life. It only makes it harder that they are members of my husband's extended family, so I also don't like them personally. The reasons for this long resentment are for another day's blog, but let me assure you that it didn't start off as my fault for the coldness. It is likely my fault now, so I better work on this, too.

In the last week or so, I am starting to get a peace about my situation. I am realizing that although I came to Michigan with the thought that it would only be one year, it may be the rest of my life. Although I live in a house that I think should get condemned due to mold, infestations, poor structure, lots of damage......its not my house, so when I move out, its not my problem. Although I was raised with a hatred of renting because its wastes your money to pay someone else's mortgage, the $47,025 I have doled out in rent checks isn't so much as a waste, as the cost of the experience to be able to first move closer to loved ones and then later to help boost(?) my husband's career. I already have one house, that I barely lived in but now try to manage from 220 miles away. What if I had more???? I had visions of being an exemplary mother that don't jive with the reality that I have one sugar addict and one breast addict, but I have two children who are the healthiest kids I know and I love them more than I thought possible. Love doesn't cure every problem, but hopefully it will help them as they face the problems that come their way.

I keep looking at the novels that I start to write, and then never finished. Tonight I decided that I need to outline my book so that I can just embelish the story-line into a novel. My past attempts have all been to start writing about my life, and then I tucker out as soon as someone needs something from me. Hopefully the outline helps. Also..hopefully I keep the text to enough fiction so that I can actually publish it without angering my family.

Mr. Jett and I have recently talked about the need for us to sieze our dreams and stop waiting for something to happen. I was disheartened last night to find out staying in this town (away from my extended family/friend supports) was actually pretty favorable for us then moving "home" and putting the kids in daycare. This is not the life we wanted, but I find that in reality one rarely dreams at night the story they would like to write. Still those night stories that come through my unconscious head, so far, are better than any novel I've written.

So I always hope to pass along something useful to the wide world of strangers out there....I did not meet my goal this night....however, I would love to hear about your experience in trying to accept your circumstance.

Looking to Be Something

I looked forward to not working pretty much my whole life. So last May when this became a reality I looked forward to the prospects. I was going to fill the day with so many enriching activities. I was going to write my novel. I was going to be ecstatic about being my own boss. When we got moved to another state, I wasn't that happy and I found the days less enriching. I took my infant on 2 hour walks, tried to keep up the important play activities and reading to him. I tried not to become addicted to the DVR that came with our new cable package, and ended up scaring myself witless after I'd watch hours of Criminal Minds and sit at home with my sleeping son in this dark, creaky, broken down house that we lived in near the bad part of town.

I contemplated getting a job at the local grocery store, since we could use some cash, and ended up doing some baby-sitting and tutoring in the short term. I figured when our son got older, and my husband worked out a reasonable work schedule than I would go to work. I also thought about the turn of events where it wasn't too long ago that I said the minute I got my degree, I would never work a "high school" job again; meaning a job that one can get while still in high school. Here I am with a Masters Degree married to a professor, and we are not making enough money to not live in a broken down house and still keep above credit card debt.

As it turns out, the schedule still isn't worked out where I could get a job that demands you show up on time. So now I am looking to do volunteer work, which is what I said I would do, if it turned out I had time, but didn't need to work.

My mother did tons of volunteer work when we were little, and she was always kept busy. I will see what turns up for me. I have to admit that my days go by pretty quickly, leading this life of leisure with a one year old and a husband who likes to chillax with us. Still it feels like I should be doing something to make the world a better place or at least be a better mother.